Hold your breath.

...make a wish. Now, count to three.

It's been fairly quiet around here lately, if you don't count the two heart attacks that happened back to back last week. I was just getting ready to end my shift yesterday morning, feeling ready to take on one last day of work before I had my weekend (which, for the record, are Wednesdays and Thursdays). I was administering medication like a motherfucker. I was going to finish on time, early even, get my paperwork done, and head home. Maybe stop for breffus.

Then it happened.

I've heard the Phil Spector Wall of Sound before. What I was hit by, entering the room yesterday morning could only be described as the Wall of Stench. I mean, it smelled like a mix of death, foot rot, urine, and feces....mainly feces. I woke the woman up to get a start on doling out some of the 15 pills she takes in the morning, hoping that the stench was from someone forgetting to take out the garbage.

When she rolled over, my hopes were dashed. There was a huge wet spot on the back of her pants. No big deal, I'll change her pants, take them to the laundry, and get back on track. After the 4 minutes it took for her osteoporotic ass to stand nearly upright, I braced myself and pantsed her. At first glance, someone had spilled a chocolate sundae in her lap. Ok. Great. Put on gloves, grab wet wipes, pretend I'm back on the beach in Cozumel. About a minute into it, I heard a mighty rumbling. Exactly the last kind of rumbling you want to hear at this exact moment.

What happened next could only be described as a hot fudge rainbow. I've seen people shit, and I've seen people projectile vomit, but I'd never seen projectile shit before. This woman was rocketing Yoo-Hoo out of her ass at such a deadly pace that my gloves were actually catching splash-back. Good thing I was using them to shield my face.

I had to call for back-up. The other girl entered the room and nearly passed out. I don't blame her. Hell, most scat-freaks would have lost their lunches.


In the end, we went through 2 bed mats, a bedsheet, and almost 2 boxes of wet-wipes. I left work half an hour late. I'm tempted to not return to that room without full MOPP4 gear.

....and not so much as an apology for unleashing chocolate rain.


Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be